The Rules for Online Dating: Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right in Cyberspace (Paperback)
From Library Journal
Fein and Schneider (The Rules, The Rules for Marriage) collaborate once again to give women a highly structured system for online dating that consists of 29 rules and 17 “Extra Hints” intended to turn them into desirable “Creatures Unlike Any Other” (CUAO). They show how to choose a screen name, sift through incoming requests, and sound “light and breezy” in ads and replies. The most troubling aspect of this book is that it works counterintuitively to the very essence of online dating. For example, the authors forbid women to take any initiative, telling them to wait 24 hours before responding to e-mail, never participate in Instant Messaging or chat rooms, answer all e-mail in three sentences or fewer of chipper-sounding rhetoric, and stop talking to a man who doesn’t ask them out within four messages. Although it makes sense for a couple to go on “date zero” (meet in person) before they grow too attached, there is a lot the pair can learn from each other by openly corresponding online before dating, the authors’ strictures notwithstanding. The “light and breezy” tack will work against a woman seeking a relationship built on communication and trust, and men will feel put off by this seemingly manipulative strategy. Eve Hogan’s Virtual Foreplay is a more reliable choice for information on online dating. CUAO looks a lot like ciao, which is what most decent guys will say to a woman following this misguided advice. Jeanne Larkins, New York
Copyright 2002 Reed Business Information, Inc.
Review
“. . . The Rules for Online Dating is like a mini refresher course in how to behave and handle your love life.” — Cheryl Tiegs, model
“. . . My wife Gretchen played by The Rules and had me at the altar less than 12 hours after we met . . .” — Danny Bonaduce, host of TV’s The Other Half
“. . .The Rules for Online Dating tells women how to post their ads and be successful with men.” — Enid O’Sullivan, Louis Licari salon
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Tags: Capturing, Cyberspace, Dating & Singles, Heart, Online, Paperback, Right, Rules
August 15, 2009 @ 7:07 pm
As I’ve learned in graphic design and cooking, you have to learn the rules of the trade before you can break them with confidence (and success). That said, this book provides a great outline of how to find success in online dating, assuming success is defined as achieving a long-term romantic relationship.
For the men who refute the validity of these rules:
You like a woman who is honest. Rules girls are always truthful; how is saying we’re busy when asked for a date on short notice manipulative? Rules girls are always busy because our lives are full, we’re not sitting by the phone waiting to be called for a date.
You like women who return phone calls and e-mails. Rules girls return phone calls and e-mails at the earliest opportunity–we’re busy but well worth the wait–our weekends are always full of fun activities with family and friends, not checking e-mail. If you interpret a longer-that-24-hour delay as disinterest, you don’t have enough initiative to interest us anyway. You also like women who initiate phone calls themselves–perhaps when we know you better, we will, wouldn’t that be a treat?
You like women who answer the questions you ask instead of ignoring them. Anything more personal than, “Just got back from walking the dog…do you like dogs?” deserves to be ignored. The brevity of a Rules girl’s response has nothing to do with our level of education. If you don’t understand a “Hi, sorry for not responding sooner, I’ve been so swamped!” means we’re thinking of you despite our busy schedules, then you’re not our type anyway.
You like women who take initiative. We’re ambitious women who take initiative in all other aspects of our lives–we would like to be in a long-term romantic relationship with a man who is self-confident enough to take the initiative.
You like women to ask you out…well, I prefer to be asked out. If you’re my type of man, you will run the risk of rejection, because you are self-confident and interested in me. If you’re *that* interested in me, you will likely win that first date!
If you aren’t dazzled by me within four e-mails, that’s about a week of completely impersonal communication and you’re just not that interested. I need to move on to brighter prospects.
Equality in a relationship is not based on who pays for a date–who really thinks that anyway? If you ask a Rules girl out, she is your guest and you pay (and, lest we forget, you plan). When I ask you out, I will pay (by that time, though, you’ll have married me, so it may not matter).
The techniques this book recommends would quickly cause you to look elsewhere. That works for us, you’re not Rules girl material! If YOU want a relationship with a Rules girl, you’ll make it happen. If you don’t, you won’t–the Rules girl won’t waste her (or your) precious time trying to force what isn’t there. Not all people fit with each other, and this book helps women with particular expectations understand why they’re not being met by the men they date.
All of that said, I discovered I have been practicing the Rules nearly my entire dating life. It has been when I’ve broken my own personal “rules” that I’ve experienced heart-wrenching break-ups, because the relationships should never have been in the first place. Cheers to all the Rules girls, past, present and future!
August 15, 2009 @ 8:27 pm
By reading other reviews you most likely have an opinion right now if this book is for you or not. Is it old-fashioned? Sexist? Stupid? Playing Games? Honestly, that’s your call. There were several points I liked in this book, I think it has some valid content.
Profiles, the authors state that men basically look at the pretty pictures of the women, and glance at their profiles. Is this true? Men are visual. So pick a nice smiling photo. Don’t write too much. I like this, not because it creates mystery, because your leaving out emotional baggage. Your selling yourself, not the fact your ex cheated on you with your neighbor, wouldn’t commit, or he was mean.
I liked the after 4 emails, and he didn’t give you his phone number, or ask for yours move on. Really, your on a dating website to date. If you are looking for chat buddies, go to a chat room. The author also asks you to wait 24 hours before you respond. There is a lot of pressure to respond right away, do you need to wait a full 24 hours?
There are a lot of tips like this that I think help weed out the real potential canidates. Online dating isn’t for the faint-hearted. It is work finding the right person. I like that this book sets boundaries initially. I haven’t read their other book, but I felt this book does a good job of helping you to sort through people. If you liked ‘He’s just not that into you’, you will like this book as well.
August 15, 2009 @ 9:02 pm
I like a woman who is honest. Manipulative is not honest; it’s immature. Hard to imagine how a relationship could last that is based on such behavior.
I like women who take initiative.
I like women who return phone calls. If you do not return my call, I will not call again. When you don’t, what I hear you saying is that you are not interested. I also like women who initiate phone calls themselves.
I like women who don’t wait 24 hours to reply to an email. I also like women who don’t avoid writing simply because it is during the weekend and don’t want to appear to be unbusy at that time.
I like women who don’t stop writing after four emails simply because I haven’t asked them out yet. A woman who behaves like that is going to miss the love of her life.
I like well educated women. A woman who answers with a terse three line quickie suggests that she is inarticulate. That she artificially suppresses communication seems to be contradictory to one of the most foundational aspects of a successful relationship: open, honest communication.
The techniques this book recommends would quickly cause me to look elsewhere.
I like women who answer the questions I ask instead of ignoring them.
I like women who don’t passively wait to be asked out. If you want to go out, ask. Fear of rejection? Now you understand what equality means. For both men and women, if we don’t ask, the answer is automatically no.
I like women who are truly interested in equality in a relationship. That means not insisting on equality only when it suits them.
I like women who don’t use double standards.
When I ask a woman for a date, she is my guest and I should pay. It is impolite for her to demand to pay half. If she wants to pay for something, she should do the asking. Then I’d be her guest. She should do half the asking if she really wants equality.
I like women who have a sense of humor. That doesn’t mean women who exclusively expect to be entertained with my sense of humor, but rather those who are capable of creating humor themselves.
If you want a relationship, stop playing games.
This book helps to explain why an ever increasing percentage of women finish college, reach their 30th birthday, reach their 40th birthday without ever finding the right man for them.
The only real value I see to this book is that it helps me to weed out the women who rely upon such techniques.